May 4, 2011

P3 Project: Day 44 of 1400 - Crystal Ball

So, this weekend showed me something that I have believed for a long time. Now, to warn you, this is one of those moments where I'm going to share a shaft of light into the darker corners of my mind.

I've wanted to start a life as an adult, but I'm no good alone. I self-destruct when left in an isolated state for an extended period of time. However, even though I've wanted to start a family, I've never been comfortable doing to. I'm not saying that it had anything to do with my ex as for a while I really believed that she would be the one that I started my life with. It simply didn't work out. However, I spent part of Friday with a four year old girl on my shoulders, and my arms around my baby girl and I realized that this is what my life could be like. My daughter on my shoulders, my arm around my wife and feeling of happiness that I got with the two of them around. The problem...

Nothing. All I'd need is time and perseverance. Strange, huh? For the first time, I can't see a negative. Well...

There's always a fear, a potential problem that could cause it to all come crashing down. But as it sits right now, I'm okay with the decision.

So as Saturday winded down, I found myself having a great night. Sarah's Birthday party was an awesome endeavor where we bowled and I learned that a small bracelet could make me have better balance. As the night winded down, Elsa went home and I spent the night at Seth and Sarah's house where I learned more about myself in the conversations that I had with Travis (my big little brother) and I decided then. I couldn't live without the girl. And I promised that I'd do anything that I could to make things better for myself. I'd be a good boyfriend, I'd be on time. I'd be the person that my girl fell in love with in the first place.

I just didn't know who that person was. And there in, as the Bard would say, lies the rub.

On Sunday, we (being J and Annete) drove to Five Guys Burgers and Fries to meet Elsa for our goodbye lunch and dessert.On the way, Elsa mentioned to me that she hated the fact that she got mad at me while with my brother and sister. I said aloud, (mostly to myself) that she has no reason to be worried as J and Annete didn't think that she had anything wrong with her or that she was a bad person. Annete and J, hearing the conversation reaffirmed how much they liked her. But not to me, but to Elsa herself which confirmed to me that J and Annete approved. Now, I don't really care if they approve (no offense, big bro and sis) but the fact that they did, made me feel better. Now, I just have to coast and get to the finish when I'm ready, and not when the world says that I should.

After all, slow and steady won the race for the turtle, right?

I have to be serious for a second.

It's so often that we as human beings are afraid of the future, of the uncertainty that the unknown holds. I look around me and all of the people I care about are evolving, changing into something different. Some for the good, others not so much. But as I watch those around me evolve, I realize that I am inevitably evolving just the same. I am no longer bound by the fears of not being able to accomplish a goal, complete a challenge, or plan for the future. The future is coming, faster than I ever though possible and I'm just struggling to keep up. With all that's coming up, I know that I can look to those who love me and care about me to see me through. I never thought I'd be able to honestly say this but the life that I want to build, it's centered around those people who are around me. My brother, who pushes me to be a better person. My friends who remind me that life without laughter isn't worth living. And my girlfriend, who shows me that I'm not as flawed, not the villain that I always believed that I was. Maybe, in time, I'll be able to prove it to the one and only person who truly matters:

Myself.

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