It's not often that I find myself unable to sleep lately. It's a welcome change from the way things used to be for me. Too long I sat awake at night, unable to find a solution to a problem and in turn, being kept awake by it. However, recently, this problem has come back. After a month of sleeping like a baby, I now find myself staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night, dizzy from the speed at which thoughts are running through my head. Something's gotta give, and I'm not sure if it's supposed to be me or the other side. But I guess it's to be expected. As quoted by Tiffany Keffer:
"If it's easy, it's not worth having." But is it too much to ask for the ability to travel the easy road for once?
I found myself awake thinking about the event that are about to transpire in the coming months. Four months ago, the things that kept me awake were material: a car and a apartment were at the top of my list and I used to tell myself, if I could just one of the two, life would be better. If I got both, then I shouldn't have anything to worry about. As time as marched forward, unlike the goals of the last few years, I have been able to achieve one of those illusive goals: I have a car. It runs and only has a few minor problems now but that's to be expected in a used car.
Now, I find myself closing in on an apartment, a nice little three bedroom deal for $645 a month which is very affordable for me right now. However, as is common in the real world, nothing is ever perfect forever, (hell, I stated that in my proposal of this insane project) but I still can dream. The issues that I face now are a product of my own behavior and they are things that only I can fix. But to repair them comes at a price.
There is a very fine line between helpful and harmful just as there is a fine line between doormat and agreeable. I find myself not sure on which side of that line that I stand. The choices that stand before me are clear: faith or facts. I can go on faith that I'm making the right choice or I can go on the facts of what I know. But it's not as easy as just saying, "No, you can't" or "Yes, you can." There's an entire psychology that goes into a decision like that. Especially when so often, you hear of the tests that people are put through in the defense of trust and confidence.
It's a lot easier passing a test when you know that you're taking one but at the same time, there comes a point where a blind test is better for learning what the real outcome would be. As we get closer to what seems to be my own personal test not only for myself, but for those around me, I can't help but wonder, did I choose correctly or will I be regretting this choice for months to come. One thing is certain:
Nothing will ever be the same again after the smoke clears. Whether or not the world is a better place or a not isn't in my hands this time and that feeling of helplessness is what keeps me awake at night.