Sep 15, 2011

P3 Project: Day 180 of 1400 - Sail

"Maybe I should cry for help. | Maybe I should kill myself | Blame it on my A.D.D, baby. | Maybe I'm a different breed | Maybe I'm not listening | So blame it on my A.D.D, baby..."

I wake up in the morning with my brain in a haze, like I was thinking in mud. After laying there for a few moments, my "higher functions" kick on. First, priorities, then personality. Next thing to turn on is logic, then finally reason. I roll over and look at the time. I have two hours to get from where I am to where I need to be. "That's an eternity..." I tell myself and hit the snooze button on my alarm.

"Obviously, I had miscalculated some things..."

Life with A.D.H.D is not fun. Yeah, it's fun for those who don't really have to deal with someone with it but let's be honest: It seems like everyone now a days claims that they have A.D.H.D. But to claim it and be actually diagnosed with it are two different things. And just like everything else, there are very, very different versions of it, just like any malady, illness, or disease. My version probably isn't the absolute worst version but for me, it's debilitating. I've always been smart, it's no secret. I've never been anything less than an A student when I don't forget and procrastinate and bullshit around and not care about my assignments. I can carry on a great conversation about a variety of things, so long as I'm not distracted. I'm also a loyal friend, as long as you remind me of the things that I said a month, a week, hell, even a few days ago. However, for as long as I could remember because I can't focus for longer than twenty minutes at a time, it's always felt like my brain was like a high performance engine with a limiter chip. Just a little something to keep it from it's full potential. And with that realization so many years ago, I decided that I would just be content with my life.

"I was blind, but now I see."

It's amazing what a person can do when pushed. I had to make a decision about my life almost one year ago and I decided that I was done with a particular person. At the time, it was purely because we were bad for each other. I enabled her flaws and she fed mine. Enabling her flaws allowed her to make leaps in her career with me finishing off her design projects and her feeding mine ensure that I'd never complete anything that I had ever set my mind to. This break-up culminated in a string of malicious acts and vicious phone calls that shook up my life and the course it was currently on in the beginning of February. In March, I decided that I could be the perfect version of myself. And after procrastinating on so many thing for so long in my life, I was determined to see this one through. This project was perfect and with all things considered, it would work.

"I don't have delusions of grandeur, I have an actual recipe for grandeur."

But reality set in. My girlfriend, Elsa, told me after reading the P3 Project that she believed in me, and that I could get it done, something I had heard from countless people in my life. However, she added one small thing that I had never heard before: "But honey, you're going to have to get your A.D.D fixed." I agreed. After all, wasn't the reason that I hadn't done any of these things before because I simply didn't have the time? That's what A.D.H.D really does: It robs you of time. Everyday that you wake up will be filled with moments that you could have been getting something do that could change your life. But you simply forget. Or get distracted.

So I made an appointment with my Primary Care Physician, who was the first obstacle that I needed to clear. Without a referral or diagnosis, I'd be dead in the water. It's one thing when everyone knows it. It a different animal when a Doctor tells you. He talked to me and listened to my symptoms and the whole time, he was nodding and smiling, which I took as a good sign. He then told me that his daughter was diagnosed with A.D.H.D and that before the medication, she was a handful and a A to D student because she simply couldn't focus. After the medicine, she was a straight A student and currently working on her Doctorate, which blows his mind as a parent with the progress that she has made. He believed that I could have A.D.H.D but he needed the testing done. So he referred me to another doctor, a specialist that could help me. Then, the bad news: It could be two to three months before I could be seen in that office. Then another month or two before knowing whether or not I actually had it.

That definitely put a damper on my day. Another four to six months with A.D.H.D. I hoped that I hadn't used all of my luck so far in my life and that I could catch a break. And I did. I was able to make an appointment to the Specialist and a follow-up withing three weeks of my initial visit to my Doctor and after three visits with the Specialist, I had my diagnosis and was well on my to having the medication I needed to change my life. I knew that it wouldn't be as dramatic of a change as it is in Limitless. After all, Limitless was a movie and there are certain creative licenses that are taken to make that movie as exciting as it was.But it was progress, and at this point, any forward progress was good progress.

During the now six months that I've been doing this project, a lot of things have changed. I have a car now. I'm living in my apartment. I've been promoted at my job. All of these things while still under the effects of A.D.D but now much other forward progress has been made and some of the more important things I still haven't even come close to. I forgot my Rosetta Stone lessons early on with all of the other things going on. My workouts aren't moving forward like I'd want to because I keep forgetting to follow the diet. But the biggest breakthrough came on September 14th, 2011. This is the day that will live in infamy as the day that I went from just having an impact on walls to being able to impact the world, even if it's my small little corner of it. I got my prescription for my A.D.H.D medicine: Vyvance. I got it filled and at the time of writing this, I haven't gone to pick it up. Not because of procrastination but because of temperance. Tonight, I'll have it in my possession and I'll start taking it Friday morning. It'll be my NZT. I'm hoping that it will have the same effect on me that the "actual" NZT had on Eddie Morra. But if it works the way that I've read and seen and heard, I'll be able to say in the very near future:

A tablet a day, and I was limitless.

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